New Year came and it was a really great blast for me. It was a year I thought I’d be best of. It was a year wherein happy memories should be remembered. As I looked at it, everyday has been on its place, same routine, same smiles, and sometimes more smiles than usual and same bonding. But, as February came, every expectation that I had in mind, suddenly change, little by little; I don’t know how it started, or maybe I know. I just don’t want to admit it, but it actually happened. And I can’t do anything for it to stop.
February 19, 2009 at around 5:30pm was the beginning of my detrimental days. It was the day where I’ve got the worst of the worst. Why? Because I just got lost my cell phone, my usb, my ccard, my u.n.o pass card, my money and some of my professor’s’ receipts at the library. I was actually preparing for a quiz that day which I thought, will happen the next day.Honestly, I only noticed that my cell phone was lost; when I plan to text my mom, to tell her that I will gone home late, because I’ve a meeting to attend to, and when I am looking for it. It was totally and undeniably not there. I cried of course, for the reason that. I’m cool of losing everything inside it, but losing my usb that was a gift of my best brother ever on my debut, as well as my cell phone which I bought to him was off to be grieve at. It was a treasure that I took good care for a year and then in just a clicked it vanished like a bubbles in the wind. It was one of my prized possessions since then though.
February 20, 2009 I thought I had moved on to what had happened to me a day before this day. But I learned that it’s’ not as easy as I think it is. Of course, day and night, I get the best sermon that I should get from my parents. Every word awakens me, from thinking my lost and not found things. I come to school with a little brevity in my face, but before the day ends, another worst thing happened. I got dizzy, for the fact that, I only ate my lunch; without a snack time after and a dinner. I concealed everything with a happy face, so I can use my energy for good, like being a sort-of-a-tour-guide of students from BJHS (if I’m not mistaken) around the campus. Of course, I had done a great job. Nevertheless, after an immense work, all the pretensions, that I can still do all my work done; also lasted. My dizziness worsens, till I should be stuck at the clinic for almost one hour.I tried to sleep but I feel pain somewhere in my head that akin to a bird destroying a wood using its’ beak. Being a prodigal being, I got out of the room and after vomiting, didn’t return back. Evidently, I go home for a full amount of rest.
“He who does not weep does not see.” Les miserables the miserable one
February 21, 2009was the day, where I feel again the things that I felt during last years’ unexpected exhibit. The peculiar feeling of jealousy and enviousness; I tried to hide it to the people close to me, so they will not get worried on my peculiar feeling. And it actually works. My happy face made them believed that I’m okay, despite the fact that I’m not. As the day started, I thought same things will happen, them, talking to me with delight, but there was a strange thing. They are all busy with their own thing that made me feel so sad. So what I did, I go to the DSA office and stay there for a while. Then, they didn’t still notice me like before. Having that ambiance makes me sober, and made me think unwanted things. I stayed up at the High School Stairs reminiscing things with the same situations, and after a while, I cried. Viewing, why are these things happening? So going back to where I’d gone, still nobody notice that somethings’ wrong. They invited me to have lunch which gives me a grin knowing I was remembered. As we were at the cafeteria, I still feel the tension, the quiet atmosphere. Gladly, my best brother’s’ mother came and asked me of what had happened to me last time (when I lost my cell phone). She gave me an idea of where to go, so I could keep everything inside of me. So while my friends were at the catwalk of the stage, I reasoned that I will just go at the DSA Office to get my bag then I’ll come back after, it is partly true, but I didn’t go there, for a reason. Instead, I did go at my brother’s’ mom’s’ office and stay there for an hour, for me to be relieved. I was expecting that. I, being gone at their side will be a signal for them to look for me, but they didn’t. ‘A’ does txt me, yes, got a grin again. But my point was; ‘A’ is not my closest friend. She is my friend but closest will be soon to follow. Then, she’s the one who looks for me. It’s not like before. That every time I wasn’t there, they will look for me and text me of where am I. Going back at the CSC office, Nobody still notice me, not until I say hi to them, and borrowed a charger. They let me borrow it for a minute though. I had gone to the stage then, because finally I had been noticed. But being there, I still feel different things, so I decided to ran out again, ‘KRR’ arrives though and he was just the only one who ask me of where am I going, and as they tease me, that they will hand me the grasshopper, he’s the only one who asks me to stay with them. ‘AJ’ asked me to join them at their house, I hug her tight as I see her and I said to her that “I will miss her.” Expecting her, to ask me why I’m like that? ‘KS’ came and partially removed pessimistic thoughts in my mind. There, at the cafeteria, I sat down at one of the chairs, asking my companions to sit beside me, but it seems that, they didn’t hear me. So, I just remain quiet still. Therefore, when all of us finally gathered at the table, I just borrowed a PSP and a headphones to my Kuya. Then, I made a joke that I didn’t know how to use the headphones, so they will notice me. In that case, they had help me; as they were talking, I’m just there quiet as I could be, concentrating on playing at ‘KS’s’ PSP. ‘M’, my pink sister, was then asked by ‘KS’ to withdraw the checked so that after they had eaten their food, he can get ‘M’s’ money for U.N.O. So my sister left at the cafeteria, asked me if I will join them, but I did refused; As I called one of ‘KS’s’ friend Ate, who is just a freshmen. He said that, “why are you calling her that? you’re older than her.” I just said “you said I’m the BUNSO.” At that moment, he said “No, you’re not a BUNSO. for us powerhouse, YES you are but…”. After he had said that, all my grief that has been kept for almost a day began to explode, I cried a lot. Knowing I’m not the BUNSO anymore. ‘M’ came back and asked why I am crying, then again, upon telling the reason, I cried again, from it, I think ‘M’ noticed that somethings’ bothering me. She said “I know, something bothers you, I’ll talk to you when you are okay.”
==== Yes, true of a fact ‘M’ was right; all the changes happened during the day bothers me a lot. Okay, I admit I lack attention, so when I get it, I treasured it to the fullest. I really feel so important whenever they give me such. It might be selfish, as you look at it, but for me, It’s’ not. I just want to have one. Moreover, getting one is a really a Big Deal for me. You know my story. They say; I’m emotional and sensitive. And sometimes my doings are misunderstood. Some people might think that, I just do these kinds of eerie things for me to get noticed by them. Not really, as I say. I’m a bubbly person; you can ask anyone who knew me. I’m a brat: I easily get jealous and insecure. But little by little I changed my brat like attitude coz it’s not good. I live by people who come in and out of my life. I sometimes wear a happy mask, so they will be okay too. Sadly, knowing you’re okay, no one might say to you “you’re not okay, I know you, and I can see it in your eyes, you can’t fool me by such a grinning mask.” I miss you guys a lot, I miss
everything that we usually do;
I miss the care that you always
showed me.
What happened to that?
I MISS YOU BIG====
These things remind me of the death of ‘Q’ in One Tree Hill, The voice over said there:
“Quentin Fields was a basketball player. He was also a son. A brother. Somebody’s teammate. And somebody’s friend. I never knew Quentin Fields. And I guess I never will.
GRIEF is like the ocean, it’s deep, and dark and bigger than all of us. And PAIN is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time, and faith and love. I didn’t know Quentin Fields. BUT I’M JEALOUS OF HIM, BECAUSE, I SEE HOW HIS ABSENCE HAS AFFECTED THE PEOPLE WHO DID KNOW HIM. SO I KNOW HE MATTERED TO THEM. AND I KNOW HE WAS LOVED.”
